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December 8th, 2008
03:32 pm - it just makes me happy
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/energetic.gif) bouncy
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December 6th, 2008
08:13 pm - Politics
So they say it's not polite to talk about politics. Well whoever said that must not have too much conviction because not talking about such things has left me surrounded by idiots! OMG! There are just some things I feel so strongly about and finding out too late how someone feels sucks and is awkward and in this case really hurts.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) drained
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December 5th, 2008
09:47 am - choices
Getting back into my element is going to take some focus. The energy is quietly and slowly creeping back in. I can't believe I have Christmas to contend with now, but that's okay cuz I love Christmas. I'm able to be much more positive now that I don't feel so sick all the time. One thing that is still really plaguing me is my job. My boss is a real creep and he leaves everything up to me but wants me to cut corners all the time to the point of being illegal. He fudges numbers on everything including insurance and sends out workers that are not approved and therefore is constantly freaking out and blaming people for not being on board with his tangled web of lies. He completely ignores customer complaints and badmouths everyone when our general contractor wigs out. So right now he's in the hot seat over having the wrong guys out on jobs in customers' homes. I seriously want him to get caught and lose his contract. Nothing would make me happier than to be on unemployment right now. I know that's totally wrong of me with the whole wishing ill on others and I really don't need the bad karma. But I want out of here and I'm prego and can't just go get another job. Not to mention jobs are hard to come by these days and the stress of keeping up with his bullshit is not good for me so I need out! How how how? I'm putting it out there. I pray the answer will come soon. I think I can manage with the other people in my house. I'm trying to have really clear boundaries and not be too demanding. Keeping the peace is most important for the time being. Love to you all.
Current Location: work
Current Mood: artistic
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November 30th, 2008
02:52 pm - I find it funny when I'm not crying.
So I shut down the party and although there wasn't a toga in sight I realize now that in their eyes all I am is a buzzkill and worse than the fuzz or having your parents come home in the midst of your good 'ol greek style orgy. Since I've been reduced to laundry woman, cook and whore (which means I have no reason to be anywhere other than the kitchen, the laundry room or the bed) I think I'm better off finding another set of plans for my life, my future, my children, my career (shit I better get one) and cut my losses. Check me out, you could rent me out to scare your teenage daughters straight. It'll be cool, really. What's worse than a pregnant teenager? Make that a pregnant middle aged woman without a husband and a shitty job and let's throw in a couple of kids that are already here. Nice. Don't you wanna be me? All I need is a trailer.
Current Mood: disappointed
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November 29th, 2008
10:36 pm - educated
I feel like I'm doing a field study on the social habits of the 30 something male of the species. I am in this house trying all these things spending so much energy to hold it all together and I feel like I'm living in a frat house and I can't fucking escape! I feel like a den mother. I feel like I'm studying apes. I feel like the guy who cleans up after the animals at the zoo. My kids are never here! What is wrong with this picture??? Maybe this one you just, shouldn't comment on.
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November 28th, 2008
09:59 am - that's all? and Thankgiving
I thought you all would have had more to say recently. It seems the stars have been all wacky and so many folks are in distress. I think that's all coming to a close and newness is all around. People are regrouping and giving thanks and seeing things in a new light. It's pretty cool. I see that I've directly passed my insanity onto my daughter. Seeing clearly has it's ups and downs. So when she tells me to f-off it doesn't freak me out so much just makes me a little sad. I hated my mom for a while. I guess it's her turn and it's only sporadic anyway. I've learned that I failed her. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. The question of raising a 14 year old is that you don't. They should have already been raised and it should be a matter of maintenance and guidance. So I pay for my mistakes and love her and try not to do what so many parents do and enable the self-destructive behavior. In many ways she has to make her own mistakes now. It's very scary having no control and all the responsibility but we'll be okay, I'll be okay.
Thanksgiving was very nice and I was sent home with almost all of the leftovers. I think my mom thinks Izzie will want to come back to my house if all the food is here. She's like her mama and could live forever on Thanksgiving dinner especially with pumkin pie and whipped cream for breakfast.
Current Mood: bouncy
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November 26th, 2008
11:36 am - The biz
Thanks for the well wishes. I'm thankful for so much right now especially the support of friends. I realized I'm very stubborn. I just realized this. Crazy to be discovering basic things about one's self STILL! Anyway, baby steps are the best way to go (I'm also impatient). I broke down and agreed to go to Thanksgiving at my mother's. I'm going to bite my tongue and show my kids a good time even if I'm screaming inside the whole time. Being a grown-up sucks!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) calm
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November 25th, 2008
01:55 pm - a better view would improve my mood
I've got to get the hell out of here! Aaaargh! I can't stand it another minute. I woke up with a headache and it's only worsened. I was driving into work when my boss called me on my cell and yelled at me saying I was supposed to be covering for him this morning and it was the first I'd heard of it so I was already late when I left my house. Really he's always an ass so that's not really the problem. The problem is that my daughter hates me and is staying at my mother's. I can't even begin to tell you all that is wrong with that and they don't make her go to school. I have a hard time getting her there myself but at least I try. Well, what's worse is..
Shit, I can't even write about this. I don't have the energy for it. I'm so upset and I miss her and I'm a wreck and I'm sick of people interfering. I just hate it! I don't know what to do and she just hates me and thinks I'm a terrible parent not that a 14 year old is a good judge of parenting but I know I've been crazy and she doesn't feel secure and she hates my husband and thinks I'm stupid for having another child. Things were good when we decided to have a baby. Now they're shit. I'm just a wreck today! Ich! I just miss her so much and I need her and she doesn't believe me and I feel like I've done everything wrong and I'm stuck and can't fix anything. So I'm sitting here ranting and crying cuz I'm the only one left in the office and I can finally break down and the headache is lifting at least for the moment. Dang, what has happened here? Everybody thinks I'm nuts when I say what I really think I should do about all this. I think drastic times call for drastic measures. I have no support though so I just keep truckin' on in the same ol' bullshit way. Obviously not working. Obviously I'm not trusting myself, but I don't know what to do about it. People think I have to have my way all the time. Fact is I never have my way which is why everything sucks! That's what I think. I've been a wimp. It's gone too far and I let everybody put in their two cents and my poor kid is who is suffering. She's confused and has a buttload of inconsistant role models that are lacking to say the least. So, is this what my mother feels when she looks back at the job she did with me? Actually, probably not. I don't think my mother remembers my childhood much. I want to fix it and I know it's going to take some time so how will I know if I'm doing the right thing? I want to scream! Someday, I will have learned some great insight from all of this and I'll write something poignant and uplifting, right.
Current Mood: crappy
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May 15th, 2008
05:43 pm - I haven't been on in a bit. I wonder what you all are up to?
Personally, I got stuck on facebook for a few weeks and I need to decompress. That shit is lame! I can't handle it. It's the king of waste of time.
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March 25th, 2008
04:32 pm - coming soon to a blog near you
Not finding the time to write myself, I often slip in and read the journals of my friends of course always surprised (I don't know why) at how the feelings and fears and often the situations parallel....
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11:06 am - geez, this never got posted!
I hope these two awesome people have a super day together!
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January 30th, 2008
02:22 pm - Blessed "Phenomenal Woman"
Today it feels as if I've been reborn. As long as I can remember, I've felt out of control and fearful as just this underlying motivator. Everyone with whom I had relationships was suspect and the shit was always likely to be hitting the fan. I just feel different now and it's so nice. It's not the same as the upside of my usual mood swings or the buzz of caffeine. It's a calm that's come over me, finally feeling loved, finally trusting, finally feeling safe. What a road! Each new scenario in my life unfolding with new learned reactions, it was exhausting. I've felt it coming on for so long, but I couldn't force it. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't trust it. Somehow with time, the energy just moved in, when it was right. It's like I've never been comfortable with who I am, not in a long time anyway, not since I've been or supposed to be an adult. Everything about my life, I just dealt with it, every problem, child, boyfriend, job, just something I had to deal with. How well I dealt, was how I judged myself. I never felt like a mother or a wife. I never felt like an office manager or a sales rep or even a waitress. I just couldn't identify really with who I was or what more I was than my persona. It's like I kept finding keys but never the doors that needed unlocking.
I stopped here. More to say but got so darn busy with work and just life and then Dave sent me this...
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou
... it's been a long road, leading up to all this, but "Now you understand"
I finally feel all of it and it's so much more than just okay.
It's "Phenomenal."
Current Location: work
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Husbands and Wives-Brooks and Dunn
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January 13th, 2008
10:16 pm - As usual...
Life goes on or not. Things are fine or not. It's all a matter of perspective. I told Tripp and Izzy about Mick's dad passing and Tripp says to me, "gosh, you sure know a lot of dead people." That's the funny thing about living. Of course I was overreacting about the Dave thing. We fight. That's just one of our things. It's not pleasant, but it's not all the time and so we go on. Today had the potential like any other day to be a good or a bad day. Today turned out to be both. All at once in the world, in my world, good and bad stuff. Why do have to remind myself? This is just life. Hopefully we just make the most of it each moment.
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January 11th, 2008
02:01 pm - stream i n g
What on earth am I doing? This life of mine is like a damn run-on sentence. Today is not a good day. I don't know how else to put it. Everyone I know is going through such personal hardship right now. One girlfriend my age is having serious health problems and she's quite fearful and depressed. Afraid for her children etc. Now she's been informed the children's father is in the hospital for complications with his diabetes and the prognosis is bleak. There's ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) mick's dad. Dave and I are fighting. Well fighting is not really the word for it. He's not actually speaking to me or near enough for me to smack him one. Today, he's had enough of my "negativity." I don't know what else to call it "negativity." It's really more just my constant disapproval, complaining, badgering, nagging, panicking, inability to keep my thoughts to myself, fearful nature. He's not blameless, but he does have a point. Problem is, I can't help it. I love him so much and I really am beside myself with fear that this is the end and I fully understand where he's coming from. We can't get through more than a few days without some sort of blow up. I know that's my fault. What sux is, well shit, everything sucks!
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